Stop Bringing Me Down 16 December 2011

I was reading a blog this morning titled “30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself”. It is a wonderful little list of insights that I have, for the most part, applied in my own life. Mostly. Have a read later via the link below and see how many you have got sorted and how many you should probably take a closer look at.

One that really stands out to me as a recurring lesson from my past is number 19:

“Stop letting others bring you down… Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.”

This particular habit of adapting and altering my expression of self has taken many forms over the years, all of them self destructive and ultimately ineffective.

Many times this has involved a complete compromise of being my best self. It has included a variety of dangerous behaviours, law breaking, unhealthy lifestyle habits, gossiping and basically just going with the flow of the group I was trying to fit into. And sure, I fit into those groups perfectly, at the expense of no longer fitting into myself. The reason this is so damaging to the self is that I stop liking myself and in particular because this has occurred largely at a subconscious level. Before I know it, I have become a stranger to myself, lost and wondering who I am and why I just never seem to be happy. I question the meaning of life, because I have lost my natural connection with it.

Ironically, during these times I often believe that the only happiness I feel occurs at the time that I am engaging in the very things that are taking me away from myself. I suppose this is because these are the times that I receive love and approval from the people I have surrounded myself with. They feel great that someone is accepting and reflecting who they are choosing to be, affirming that their expression of self is valid and right. Yet this all happens at the expense of my own expression of self and who I am choosing to be by default. This is exactly when I need to ask, ‘Do I love and approve of myself right now?’ This is how I can see that I am not honouring  my self and hopefully raise the strength to make a different choice.

Making a different choice, one that is true and authentic to my best self, often is an unpopular one. The people around me, assuming to know me better than I do, will often react unfavourably to a different me. They don’t seem to understand that the me they ‘know’ is a me that thought love and acceptance came from the outside. A lot of the time this is because they are also receiving their love and acceptance from the outside, in part through my friendship and compliance. If I can remember this, it allows me to move along my own path with strength and compassion towards any unfavourable reactions. And sometimes it means letting go of people or situations that just don’t fit with who I want to be.

I really don’t think that the changing tides of people and situations in my life is in any way a bad thing. In fact, I truly believe is a good and positive result of the changing nature of myself. It is one of life’s few guarantees… That as I change, the world around me changes, in both big and small ways. And when I think back to who I was being twenty years ago, ten years ago and even last year, I am grateful for all that has changed. It seems that as time goes by I get closer to my best self. And if I find I moving away from that, I just stop and observe, then make a different choice.

It is so easy to get caught up in the trillions of expressions of self in the world. But the only one worth losing and finding yourself in… is your own. Honour thyself.

 

Read 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself here.

 

Losing Trust 2 December 2011

There is a certain amount of irony to the notion of trust. I mean, if it were never broken, it’s very existence would be superfluous, it would be inherent in all of us. Yet it is not. Some of us trust easily and some of us never really trust. But is it really about other people? What if we only looked at trust within ourselves? I’m not entirely sure this is a valid idea, but stay with me while I chew on it for a bit.

If I think back to times when another person broke my trust, it is all too easy to rest in the belief that they lied, or cheated or did the wrong thing. And maybe they did from my perspective. But if I remember back to that relationship (whatever it was), I find that I had also broken trust in some way. It may have been that I had stopped authentically engaging with that person, or I was trying to control how the relationship existed or even that I was ignoring truths in myself.

Perhaps this is why trust is a given in some relationships and a tentative agreement in others. Because when it is naturally there, it requires no thought or intervention, it just feels right and safe. If I am making a conscious decision to trust, there is already something there that goes against this. Owing to the fact that this is within me, then surely the obligation rests upon me to interact with that person accordingly. Based on what is in me I can honour myself and the other by allowing the relationship to be what it is, rather than what I think it should be, or what I would like it to be.

I have found that I can’t just think a situation into being, whether that situation is an event, a relationship or the way I want to be myself. It requires me to just be it first. Simply put, you get what you are. If I want to share trust with another person, I must first have that trust in myself. And it is not a trust of the other, it is trust of myself. It is the knowledge that I will attract people into my life that resonate with what I am, and it is with these people that trust is a non-issue.

The issue of course may be that these people are not what I want, or don’t interact with me in the way I would like. This then is my signal that I am not being these things myself. Until my way of being matches my idea of what I want, I won’t find trust within myself or another. It will always be a constructed and manipulated mind game. How can I really expect trust to exist under these circumstances? The whole point being, I don’t need trust if I am trust.

I trust myself to feel the relationship’s truth and respond authentically. I trust that I will get what I am. I let the idea of trusting another go. I know that to trust another is to trust myself.

Just some ideas… How do you trust?

The Exhibition of Sex 1 December 2011

I worked a few shifts at Sexpo again this year and it never fails to amaze me at just how easily sex sells. I mean we are talking about an exhibition centre showcasing hundreds of stalls of sex related paraphernalia and dozens of live shows every day. It really is quite a spectacle. I must admit that every time I approach the great hall of sex, I feel a little sexier and my walk is a little wigglier. And then it is business as usual.

I remember going to Sexpo for the first time many years ago when I was a youthful and wide eyed eighteen year old. It was awe inspiring and confronting all at the same time. Back then, sex was all about just getting some, there was no art or creativity to it. My friends and I felt bad ass just because we were wandering around in public amongst the sights and delights that we really had only just begun to explore. I think my only sex accessory at the time was the obligatory packet of condoms.

The Sexpo mascots...

And as always this year there were many young punters, just old enough to secure entry, with the titillation of it all evident in their faces. As if you might even get a quick one behind a curtain just for turning up. Also in attendance were curious couples, sex industry peeps, fetish folks in full costume, the sexually beautiful (aided by the highest of heels and bronzest of tans). And then quite literally, the big, the bad and the ugly. Sex really is on everyones agenda.

With many years and a few lovers having passed between this year my first ever show, I still wander around in my break interested to see what’s new. Some of it is funny, some of it is gross, some of it is boring and some of it is delicious. Hardly surprising seeing as sex itself can be all of these things. And really, that’s what all of this is about… Sex. Without the sex, the accessories are useless. Not much sex is actually being sold here, just plenty of ideas. The sex of course is BYO.

I mean, there really is not much you can do in a crowd of hundreds even if you are watching a particularly erotic male dance troupe on your carefully timed break. Or viewing a threesome projected in silhouette onto a purple curtain. Or seeing a shirtless fellow being whipped by a large dominatrix, boobs bare and spilling down the front of her corset. Or perhaps just sitting in on one of the many talks about loving your vulva and toy box essentials. Just be sure to bring your credit card, or even a notepad and pen.

None of this colourful display of sex seems shocking or strange in itself. Only the fact that people are doing it in front of everyone is odd. And by doing it, I mean openly discussing and displaying their fantasies and preferences, along with plenty of skin. So the selling of sex seems to be a lot less about the physical reality of it and a lot more about the tantalising idea of it all. Come along expecting much more, and you’ll likely be disappointed. Important to note that sex and disappointment are never fun when paired together.

And lastly, a shout out to all the voyeurs in the crowd and evidence that sex will sell whether we like it or not: I was working on the alcohol stand doing samples and sales. Quite possibly the most popular all time lubricant for sex.

Armchair to Out There 30 November 2011

Genre: Creative Non Fiction

 

This is a story of the opening of duck shooting season in Victoria, March 2011. In support of the Coalition Against Duck Shooting (CADS), it was the first rescue action I experienced.

Click here to read the story: Armchair to Out There

Sunrise reveals a camoflaged shooter on Lake Buloke

Rescuers and shooters

A shooter takes aim

Dead ducks and protected species shot for fun, not food, displayed on the premiers steps.

Photo sources include: Herald Sun, Weekly Times Now, Coalition Against Duck Shooting.

The Measure of Success 29 November 2011

I was interviewed today by a career coach and good friend exploring the notion of doing what you love. In particular, the transitional period of change required to align your daily work to your idea of the life you want to lead. Apparently I may have ideas to share that might be useful for others wanting to make changes in their own life. I was careful to point out that whilst I had certainly had changed my career path, it had not yet resulted in any great successes. Or had it?

Maybe my idea of success is what needs to change, before negotiating any personal change. Perhaps that is the first step. What does success look like. For me, it is certainly not a stable and predictable job, or one of high status or power. It is not the acquisition of unlimited money. And it is not the commitment to excel within a single career path. All these things are outcomes based, and often by the time the outcome is achieved, the desire for it has shifted.

As I move along any career path my idea of what I love to do will change, with both my growing experience and opportunities that arise, so to lock into any one outcome is self limiting at best. This static outcome will prevent me from assessing pathways and new directions against what is is I really want to be doing with my life. Instead, what I prefer to focus on is a vision for what I want to be doing, in the knowledge that the vision will grow and shift as I do.

A further challenge is then deciding on which opportunities to take up, and which to pass up. If I am focused on a particular outcome, I will always choose to do what I think will best serve that outcome. Whereas if I am focused on a vision of the life I want to lead, I will make my choices based on what it is that I really want to do. For me, this has given me the courage to try new paths that serve my vision, and also the strength to turn down opportunities that will detract form my purpose.

So coming back to success. How can it be measured if not by defined outcomes? Is it too outrageous to suggest that doing what you love alone is success enough? Perhaps for some. Yet spending every day doing something that is meaningful to me provides me with  a sense of personal power and purpose. It doesn’t need to be measured against traditional ideas of success because it has very little to to with anything external to me. It resides within me. Living my life in the manner I choose.

The funny thing is that I have no doubt that my unconventional idea of success will eventuate in more traditional forms of success, in time. That is how career paths tend to go. As I give it my energy and focus, I will make small achievements, and maybe even some larger ones. My path will lead to further personal development and open up new opportunities. All I have to do is align myself on a path that is directed towards my vision of the work I want to do.

I put this to you… Why on earth can’t you do what you would like to do? You are doing something already, whether you like it or not. Why not just point yourself towards a vision that serves you as opposed to a societally imposed idea of success. At the core of it all, your success is only ever your own.

Finding Fear 21 November 2011

I was recently asked what my greatest fear is. Simple question that should have elicited a simple response, however I found that I went completely blank. This was somewhat disconcerting to me as I do not perceive myself as a fearless person, and would be more inclined to describe myself a little on the cautious side.  So what is it that I fear? I was so stumped at this question that I was forced to go back to my much younger years to get any kind of answer. And from my memory archives came a rich back catalog of fear.

Much of my past self fear has been seen and conquered and therefore no longer relevant in the fear category. It seems that fears faced, or even thrust upon us as a realisation of our projected worst case scenarios, are an effective antidote. And acknowledging all the past fear that I am no longer defined by allowed me to realign my perception of self and appreciate more fully who I had become. But I did find a few remnant fears that I was still able to identify with, even though they had been warped by time.

I realised that I had spent most of my life under the control of a fear that people wouldn’t like me, or even love me. This resulted in much of my life so far spent providing an entertaining performance of myself. I perceived what it was that made people laugh, made them feel good, made them want to be around me and even made them want to be like me. That was how I shaped who I was. Until I was left watching the performance along with everyone else, with no connection to who I really was. Ironically, it also meant that the people who loved me had no real connection to who I really was either.

Of course, for all the performance, it was largely informed by the values of the person I would always be, so that was all I had to go by when I decided to put fear aside and live as the person I was, and wanted to be. My life then began to grow out of my values. They informed my choices, my activities and the people I wanted to be around. This shift began a long and ongoing period of recreation and redefining how I would be in the world.

I did lose friends (and lovers), and I did find that not everyone would or could love me. But I no longer cared enough to give it any fear. The people who now see me, see the real me, all of it. That attracts people that resonate with my values and repels people who do not. It’s a pretty perfect equation to be honest. So I no longer fear that people won’t love me, I just trust that some will love me on my terms and the rest will either look to themselves or some other fearful person to make them feel good.

So my old fear that people won’t love me was set aside by my own love. The cure of the fear was not in proving it a baseless fear, that of course people will love me. Doing that only perpetuated it for many years. It was in overcoming the fear that I as a person was not lovable. And in overcoming that, the fear just doesn’t matter anymore.

Never Ask For Directions 14 November 2011

When you ruminate on life amongst friends there is always much talk around ‘the journey’, ‘following your path’ and ‘living your truth’. Now, all of these sentiments are valid, and in fact exactly what I believe we are all trying to do. But, given a little thought, each of these things can only be experienced in the present moment. What my truth was a year ago, or even yesterday, is not necessarily a static notion that can be cut and paste into today.

Whatever life we lead moulds us, changes us and requires us to grow… Meaning that whatever way we live will ultimately result in us outgrowing it in is present state. One of life’s many ironies perhaps? This effectively means life can (and will if you let it) do a complete 180 and start tearing off in another direction on any given day. A new path, perhaps one you are unfamiliar with, may well become the right one for you, provided you aren’t adverse to a change in plans.

The hardest part in this for me is that I have no map. No one has chartered ‘my journey’ or ‘my path’ before, and to live ‘my truth’ requires it to come from somewhere within me, and not from some point to point directions. This kind of direction is quite often dictated by someone else who assumes to know the way. And besides, getting to a given point, anywhere at all or even nowhere, can be achieved in a myriad of ways. The only thing I can know for certain are my current GPS coordinates, and possibly how I came to be here now.

If I were a student of orienteering I would most definitely be a fail with ideas such as mine. There are no maps. Don’t ask for directions. The compass can change direction. You don’t need a destination. Does your present location feel good right now? I tend to trust that if it seems right now, then what it leads to or what opportunities it opens later will be right then. And every single small step will progress you further down one path or another. Which one depends, I guess, on each step you take. Every. Single. Step.

There is a profound logic in a quote of Annie Dillard’s that reads, “How you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life.” For now… That is map enough for me.

The Creative Void 12 November 2011

Of the many trials in writing, I have taken on a pretty large one this week. In fact, you’re a part of it if you are reading it. It began with the decision to write, and I mean really write. Not necessarily well and not necessarily professionally, but I mean write as my life purpose. It is what I do and everything else exists to serve it. That was the beginning, and as huge as it is to completely restructure your life, it is not the hardest part.

The painful trial was birthing it into the public domain. I suppose one of my writerly strengths is that I find it easier to be the entirety of my messy human expression on the page, than face to face. But those pages have been mine until now, shared at my discretion. The thought of my most intimate self serving as a curiosity for strangers is alien, yet not nearly as confronting as the transparency I now offer to the people I face, who think they know me.

If I was the type to paddle in the shallow end of the pool, I would have blogged happily into the binary void. But in a moment of truth, I connected my inner world to the identifying device of Facebook. It felt like standing on the highest platform of those diving towers at public pools. And then, I let go. Diving head first into the deep end of nothing nearly as contained as a concrete body of water. I gave myself away.

In the tense hours that followed, I felt that something had been torn out from inside of me. I ached. And I ached at the hands of my own doing. I felt that as I became available to others I became a stranger to myself, so discordant was this feeling from my normally private self. I invited my world to peer beyond my extroverted face and into my introverted centre. The two now fused as one.

I am floating in the creative void, bathing in the unknown. I realise that I already am everything I ever wanted to be, and that is all there ever was, is or will be. It is beautiful in all it’s ugliness. I have nothing to fear but myself, and there I am unafraid. I am free now, I am all of what I am, all of the time.

I am a writer.

Quality of Life 10 November 2011

Genre: Creative Non Fiction

 

This is a story that documents the events that took place on 9 November 2011 outside a chicken processing plant in Laverton North.

Click here to read the story: Quality of Life

The picket line of workers

A rescuer attempts to save a life

A typical broiler hen (used for it’s flesh) in terrible condition

The blue eyes of a baby bird destined for the processor

Photo source: Animal Liberation Victoria

Vegan Logic

Genre: Creative Non Fiction

 

Whilst this story is not exactly activist storytelling… it provides an appropriate preface to this genre of my writing.

Click here to read the story: Vegan Logic