No Full Stops

Musings on life, learning and soul searching…

The who, the how and the why 12 April 2012

Every so often I wake up amongst my full and sometimes frantic life wondering what on earth I am doing and how I came to be doing all this stuff. This is not to say that I am discontented in any way, but it does indicate that I have lost a level of connection and intention with myself, my path and perhaps even my purpose. It is both my belief and my experience that an awareness and acknowledgement of these three aspects of my life are key to my ongoing happiness. For me they form the who, the how and the why.

There was a time not so long ago that I didn’t even know who I was. I was just a person doing what was expected of me and what the people around me were doing. I was basically doing what I thought I needed to do in order to fit in and be happy. None of it actually made for a truly happy life and much of it took me further away from myself than I care to remember. It wasn’t until I really tuned in to what made me, and me alone, feel good about myself and about my life that I started to get to know myself. Through this continuing exploration I have made a firm connection with who I am. And I continue to evolve.

Finding my path was a natural progression of knowing myself. Once I knew who I was, it became pretty easy to see if what I was actually doing was in alignment with that. And many things were not. I made difficult decisions to move on from from certain activities and people. I began to seek out things to do, whether they be social, work or otherwise, that reflected the person that I was and the life I wanted to experience. All of this meant letting go of the known world of expectation and stepping into the unknown world of possibility. I didn’t and don’t always get it right, but I always learn something about me and my path in the process. And I continue to evolve.

Understanding my purpose is probably the most elusive for me. It’s reminiscent of the big and indefinable, “Why are we here?” But I feel it is absolutely critical to have some kind of an understanding of our own personal, “Why am I here and what do I have to offer?”  I’m starting to think that this aspect actually underlies the who and the how of us all, whether we are aware of it or not. I mean, something is motivating my vision of who I want to be and what I want to be doing with my life, and it is something bigger than  personal desire and reward. It is fundamental to my happiness in just being. And with this awareness… I continue to evolve.

So I wake up to the reality and realise that even when I am living my best life, it is in constant evolution. The who, the how and the why will never stay still enough for me to grab a hold of it once and for all. You just can’t hit pause on life in order to take a comfort break. Yet this is exactly what I have attempted to do when I feel lost in the frenzy of my own doing-ness. This doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve lost myself, my path or my purpose… It often just means that I have stopped paying attention. I get carried away with all the doing that makes up my life and forget to check in on how I am being in relation to the who, the how and the why.

So I know that I must maintain a constant connection with the who, the how and the why. I know that I must apply intention to how I am being within these three aspects of my life. And I know that I will never have a definitive answer to any of it. And I continue to evolve.

 

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Naked 17 January 2012

Genre: Poetry

 

NAKED.

 

Every moment that I’ve had

Every moment yet to come

Are my silent enemies

Because now is the only one.

 

Spent a lifetime hating me

In the mirrors of judging you

I’m letting all that go

It’s the only thing to do.

 

Meet me in the naked moment

Stripped naked

Don’t fake it

Stripped naked.

Press your heart right up to mine

And if it’s been broken

At least it’s wide open.

 

Stop drowning into yesterday

Don’t dream into tomorrow

Just breathe into the moment

It’s all that can be known.

 

To be all that I am

Tempts the greatest fear

I’m laughing in its face

Do you want to meet me here?

 

Meet me in the naked moment

Stripped naked

Don’t fake it

Stripped naked.

Press your heart right up to mine

And if it’s been broken

At least it’s wide open.

 

Nothing here but now

Time to stop and feel

The moment that I’m in

The only thing that’s real.

 

The moments that I’ve shared

The touches that I’ve known

Show me who I am

On this journey of my own.

 

Meet me in the naked moment

Stripped naked

Don’t fake it

Stripped naked.

Press your heart right up to mine

And if it’s been broken

At least it’s wide open.

 

Stripped Naked.

Stripped Naked.

 

(c) Rachael Morris 2010.

 

The Value of Love Lost 10 November 2011

Filed under: Creating Love,Writing Life — Rachael @ 5:17 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I broke up with the guy I’ve been seeing today. It wasn’t a particularly long relationship, perhaps four months. But I evolved in ways that I haven’t previously been able to, or required to, in the past. This came about largely due to where I have been in my own head space and also partly because of who he is.

The biggest difference for me in this relationship was that I was able to love unconditionally. And by unconditionally I mean that my love required nothing, it just was. It wasn’t dependent on circumstances, his way of being or my expectations of how another person should be. I just loved him for what he was, and I still do.

I was also able to love largely without any attachment to him, our relationship or the circumstances. In hindsight, I may well have known that our moments together would be relatively fleeting, thereby subconsciously luxuriating in every precious moment as it was experienced. The power of channelling all my energy in the present with another, rather than rehashing the past or projecting into the future was experientially intoxicating.

But in time, in our own ways, the present moment began to be experienced in a way that was stifling the connection. The very same magic ingredient that let us each be exactly who we were and maintain our independent free spirits, also showed us our differences. I’m still not sure those differences were deal breakers in particular, but it was clear that it was no longer enough to just freely be, and trust that love would flourish without contrived intervention.

What we didn’t have naturally was an intimate understanding of the other. I certainly held great love, passion, respect and appreciation for him, but very little understanding of his inner workings. This I had consciously acknowledged along the way and just peacefully let it go. And I take a fairly confident guess in saying he really didn’t understand the spectrum of me in great depth.

Where it became clear that it was the end of the road romantically for us was in the value placed on mutual understanding. I personally am a communicator, with a desire to understand and be understood by my partner. He, on the other hand, admitted that whether he is understood or not is neither here nor there. And so we found a misaligned value. One that would be crucial in a healthy and happy relationship for our two very different expressions of self.

So, we sat on the grass discussing our feelings and our needs, ironically the first time we had done so, with quiet tears slowing slipping slowly down each of our faces, unchecked and uncomforted. I felt completely at peace with the decision, with a clear mind. Yet none of that eased the weight of my sad and heavy heart.

Once a lover and now a friend, I said goodbye to the delicious thought of taking that unpredictable journey of love with this one unique man. I have gained much in the time we spent together, not least of all an additional core value to add to my treasured cache – understanding.


 

 
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